Disturbing...

Just when I think people can not be any crueler, I turn on the morning news & there it is, always an example of how horrible people are. The other morning it was a rescue of a baby in a plastic garbage bag in the river. What the hell? The "good" part was, a wonderful man managed to pull the baby out & the baby survived. The rest is just crap. Who could do such an ugly thing? Children are sacred in my book. There is no such thing as an "unwanted child". Just because the birth mother (or father) may not want the child, doesn't mean there are not at least 100,000 people in the U.S. alone that are desperately wanting a child & unable to physically have one themselves. Adoption is a beautiful thing. I wish these sick people would think of that instead of dumping their children in the river, or dumpster, or any other place. It makes me sad.

Blessings...

A wonderful person once told me, "In order to build self esteem, do esteemable things". What a simple, yet effective bit of advice.
A couple days ago, I was talking with a friend of mine & she was talking of financial issues (& I must say, she did not ask, hint or anything to the possibility of borrowing money from me or anyone). It was simpley a conversation between friends. Well, something urged me to offer "X" amount of money & so I did... She, being the proud woman she is, argued & was not even trying to take it. By some miricle of God I managed to get the money in her hands & she instructed me she wiould have it back to me in a couple days. No... All I said was, "Please pass the blessing on. somewhere along the path of life, you will come across someone who needs a helping hand, be it money, a hug, or simpley a kind ear...That is my pay back, to know it's being passed on". She humbley agreed to my "terms" & that was that.
What a good feeling. A good feeling to know I was able to help someone in need, & also to know that the love would be passed on. Maybe I'm crazy, but what a world it would be if that was our reality. Just people passing on the blessings. Hmmmm.... maybe someday, huh?

tongue tied...

So, how do you express your sincere apreciation for someone with out coming across as a psychopath? Delicate ,huh?
So, as I said before in my last writing, I've been taken by this blog. Every entry I read speaks to me, touches my heart, shows me an other piece of pure, unadaltured humanity. This person is so real, so true. I find it so amazing. I want to reach out & say how these things have touched my heart. I want to say how brave I think they are to be so open, honest & real in a world so the opposite. It's inspiering. But again, how do you do that with out apearing to be crazy?
I guess you just do it right? I mean, just return the sincerety of truth & put it out there. I am just such an "over thinker"... it's still new to me to be so uncontrolably open. You know? Don't get me wrong, I've very honest & open, but the depth of what I let people see differs... depends on the person, depends on my trust in them, I've been betrayed, I've been used, I've been hurt, so I tend to be guarded... but who hasn't right? That is why this whole blogging thing is scarey, yet thereputic... I get to put myself out there "naked" if you will & just let it go. If people see it, well... they see it. If they judge me, O.K. If one person can feel a conection, like I have found it the beauty of this person's words, well then, any vulnerablity I feel over publishing my little blog is completely worth it. So for the person who may read this & say to them selves... "Hey, I'm not alone"... You're right... you are NOT alone. And now, I think I can do this. I can simpley say, "Thank you. Thank you for being so incredibley open & honest. Thank you for letting me have a peek inside your spirit & feel the simple conection that I am not alone. It's a very beautiful thing & I will always hold it dear to my heart."

People...

So I've been completely enthralled in this blog I've found. It's so amazing, it's like reading my mind. How comforting to know you're not alone. To know there is someone else out there that thinks crazy thoughts, feels things to the bone, walks this life searching for beauty & love in a world so full of ugliness & hate. It's very comforting. It's nice to read this person's words, & logically know that there are millions of other people who are or have read the exact same words, but when I'm there & in the moment, it's mine. That person is talking to me. Kind of a romantic thought - not the typical romance, as you may be thinking... just romantic on a spiritual conection level... you ever have one of those moments? Where it's so simple, yet so amazing? It's times like that, that make this life better. Random moments of beauty. So sweet.

Welcome...

What a freeing experience. To bear your soal to the judgement of others. I guess it happens everyday on some level. But "out there" you can choose to ignore it & play into the oblivian. But here... here is forever. It's there for the world to see, to feel, to critisize. This is something I need to do. You see, I am a recovering drug addict.
They say a secret shared is a secret split in half. So from time to time that is what I will do. Bare myself, my beauty, my ugliness, fears, demands, thoughts... just an honest open spirit. And if things are able to touch someone, help them, let them know they are not alone in the world, well then... I guess that is the blessing. You can only keep what you have by giving it away. Funny, huh? But so true.
So you may feel you "know" me, my story is a strange one...
My parents split when I was 6. My father was a drunk & my mother very emotional. When I was with my father he would leave me home alone to go to the bars, so from a very early age I kind of groomed myself to be independent. To take care of myself, etc. In later life I see how that has hindered my trust in people. For the longest time I didn't trust people... I figured I couldn't count on them to be there.
I started drinking & smoking weed when I was 10. - No, it's not a type-o...I was 10 years old. I was hanging around some young teens & they did things, so I did, too. Then I discovered it worked as a numbing device. I didn't have to be untrusting, or shy, or ashamed... I just was...it didn't matter. I liked that. Alot. As I grew older, my "friends" changed & so did my drugs. I got into acid & mushrooms for awhile while be-friending the modern day hippies. Soon after that I was snorting crystal-meth & when the high of that was boring, I met someone who shot it. They taught me how & it was over. The rush was unbelievable. I knew it was that forever. That was what I could count on... then I was introduced to heroin. So began my death. Dope was my love, my hate, my everything. I started using to mask feelings & to be accepted & to jsut not care, to do what I wanted. To have fun. Somewhere along the line it was no longer fun. It was consuming me. Killing me. I was committing suicide on the "instalment plan". I didn't want to do it anymore, but I was a hostage of it's misery. I used against my will. I was so dead inside I would pray for God to finish the job. I prayed to just end it. I didn't want to go on this way... I couldn't go on this way.
On October 31, 1999 God answered my prayers & that was the first day I did not use. I was sick. So sick. I thought I would die. I was freezing cold, but sweating. My bones felt as though they would twist out of my body. I was vomiting, I had dierrea, I was exhausted, but couldn't sleep... I thought death was coming. And really it did. I died & a new me was born. When I got through the sickness of withdraw, I went to a 12 step meeting & was scared. I had been using drugs in one form or another for almost 12 years. I wasn't sure how to live any other way. But over the past 6 years, one day at a time, I have been learning how to live that "new" way of life. I am so grateful for it all. The hell I walked through to get to where I am today. Everything happens for a reason.
So here I am... blogging. How funny. How nervey... Every once in awhile it crosses my mind that people will read this. People will read my story, they will read the random thoughts I write, it's all going to be out there. And once it's out there you can never take it back. Scarey. But oddly thereputic.
So I guess I'll end for now with, thanks for "listening", it's been real.